Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
