Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
