I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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