your parents love me but you hate me
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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