just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
