Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
