bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
