The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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