Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
