How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
