we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
