I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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