On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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