I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
