Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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