Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
