I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!