It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then