First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
