do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
