all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
