Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
