We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
