When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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