What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Randomize
