I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
