At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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