his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
