Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
two words...techno handjob
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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