He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
