Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
