I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
