You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
