I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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