Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
