my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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