Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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