he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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