It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
