She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
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