I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
