God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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