Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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