I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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