He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
