I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
