I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
