My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Randomize
