Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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