I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Randomize
