just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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