I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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