So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
