im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
