found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
