Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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