You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
