I was born with a shot glass in my hand
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
