She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
